Fat, Emotions and You: Nature's Love Triangle.

"It's just emotion taking me over

Caught up in sandwich

Lost in the snack"

Over the past few years I have been focusing much of my energy and attention to the spiritual side of myself. Airy fairy connotations aside, when I say 'spiritual' I mean those VERY real, non-physical (and therefore somewhat frightening) aspects of ourselves that we tend to neglect. In fact, due to neglect of our non-physical, specifically emotional, selves Western society is in a daisy chain of emotional dysfunction, but that's another post for another day! Today's blog is about emotional trauma in relationship to food.

I prefer the term compulsive eating to emotional eating. Emotional eating suggests that I am emotional when you are doing it(which defeats the purpose), when in actuality, it is compulsive behaviour to prevent or protect myself from feeling painful emotion(s). I do it in order to NOT feel. After much self examination and internal work, I think I can sum up how it is that I personally subconsciously use food as a defense mechanism. It's literally like stuffing your feelings into your face and down into the core of you then subconsciously creating a protective barrier (fat) around yourself as protection from further injury. Concurrently, the behaviour is also a display of self harm and lack of self worth (Woah. This shit's getting real!). I neeeeever talk about this, but I feel that getting it out in the open is vital to my Wellness. Usually, the things that we find the most difficult to do initially are also the most important.

The truth is that we all have compulsive behaviours that are subconsciously displayed as mechanisms of self defense. As much as I wish that my method of self defense consisted of compulsive exercise or compulsive attractiveness, that is simply not the case. (I tend to spend far too much time living in the ideal reality of my day dreams). At the end of the day, regardless of how it is that my emotional injuries manifest, they are still injuries that need to be taken care of. I suppose that if these injuries did manifest as compulsive exercise I likely would have no motivation to investigate and alleviate the problem.

So how does one investigate and alleviate one's compulsions, pray tell? All I can say is, work is still in progress! Lol. (I'm so thankful that I'm able to laugh about this process because seriously, dealing with past trauma is the worst!) Basically there are two parts to the process: 1) calling up your past emotional traumas (one at a time, not everything at once, keener), examining the trauma from your current perspective and then completely being present in those emotions and 2) allowing yourself to completely be present with emotions that you would consider to be negative as those emotions are expressed in current and future situations. Part 2 is muuuuuch easier than Part 1; however, I found that I needed to practice feeling my emotions with compassion for myself through examination of my past traumas before I was really able to completely be present with my emotions in the moment. I hope that explanation is clear, I'm having trouble putting this process into words.

Once I began the examination of my past traumas, I began to see ways in which those traumas would appear as recurring themes throughout my life. For example, I may have discovered some repressed feelings of abandonement in my childhood that I was never able to come to terms with. Then I would notices various situations where the feeling of abandonement recurred later in my life, this time examining my reactions to those feelings.

This is an extensive topic and I really don't feel like I've scratched the surface on it yet. Just when I feel like I've dug up every emotional trench that I could, I still have very strong emotions attached to certain past events. I have found that I am less reactive when triggers occur, so that's a bonus ... for everyone around me. :p I just have to remember that it is equally as important to consistently take care of the emotional body as it is to take care of the physical.

I wish you good feelings.

Love,
Rachael

Zija Update and Weekly Weigh In - Week 1

December 4, 2014

284 lbs *Sure that looks unimpressive, but you should know that I gained 5 lbs in the first week between weigh-ins.

Zija Day 9 ** There were two days between taking the last of the Super Mix samples that were given to me and receiving my shipment of Smart Mix. The first day was rather average, but on the second day I slipped right back into hazy lethargy, general malaise and lack of desire to do ... well anything. (I spent that day in bed watching subtitled versions of Dragon Ball Z.) I decided to reset the day counter to when I received my shipment.

So it's been just over one week of consecutively taking Zija Smart Mix. To summarize my impressions on the Zija experience so far, I am SO HAPPY about how I feel. I haven't lost any weight yet, but I really don't give a damn at this point (ask me again in 3 weeks!). I'm just so thankful to have been able to transition out of the hazy lethargy and general malaise that I was feeling.

I don't feel as bloated, my post-exercise knee pain has reduced somewhat, my daily energy levels are returning to normal and my ability and desire to focus on tasks has increased dramatically. I Jazzercised three times during the week and did some meditation in the form of Qi-Gong (I will post details about my Qi-Gong experience next week.) Now let's not go and assume that Zija is doing all of the work for me. Zija was just the catalyst in helping change the momentum of my life in a more desirable direction. The place that I'm in right now is not uncharted territory. I've been here before and I know that you don't need expensive products to get here, BUT I have never been able to achieve the state of mind so quickly and easily. Once your state of mind changes, your body follows along soon after.

The last time that I had this degree of clarity, focus, energy and positivity, I had nearly eliminated all processed foods and chemicals from my diet and focused on increasing the quantity of nutritionally dense foods. This involved making my own butter, cheese and bread products with as many organic and all natural ingredients as possible. I also had a vegetable garden and 3 chickens in my backyard at the time. I found that when I was eating this way, my body began operating like a well-oiled machine of awesomeness and efficiency. When my body was properly nourished, it was much better able to handle the occasional 'junk' and I craved more nutritionally rich foods instead of the 'junk' so essentially I was eating whatever I felt like eating. I just didn't feel like eating crap all the time. I had created my own little bubble of organic sustainable food production in the middle of the city. It was wonderful!

Due to some unfortunate (to put it lightly) circumstances, my living situation changed abruptly and maintaining the urban-pioneer lifestyle that I was living (as well as a positive state of mind) was incredibly difficult. I have since tried to get my physical, emotional and spiritual life back on track several times with limited or brief success. Now that I'm slowly incorporating pioneer-style homemade products back into my diet, I will post recipes and instructional videos to my blog so you can give them a try. Word of warning: there can be A LOT of trial and error involved in making all natural foods so it helps to share any tips and tricks. Community support is always appreciated!

I wish you good feelings,

Love,
Rachael

Better Boobs and Body ... Dysmorphia

Dear My Breasts,

Be better.

Love,
Rachael

I want better boobs. I didn't say bigger boobs because my boobs are a good size, but with all the weight I've gained and lost and gained (and am about to lose), they are saggy as hell. I call them National Geographic boobs. I may be mixed, but my tits are straight out of the mother land. My butt too, but we'll get to that later...

I was looking at mastoplexy (breast lift) before and after pictures on the internet a few weeks ago. It went a little something like this: Before pic, "Yup, that's my boobs. I'm glad other people look like this!" After pic, "Yup, that's definitely better. Sad feelings." Then I signed up for the realself.com newsletter.  I don't really know why. The domain name in itself is an oxymoron. I also hate needles, doctors, hospitals, Western Medicine and pain of any kind. Maybe they caught me on a day when I was feeling particularly dysmorphic.

I hate to admit it, but I think I may have fallen prey to the Western body image trap. That's not to suggest that it's inappropriate to have areas of my body that I want to improve. The issue is that some of the improvements that I want may be based on fiction. For example, my immediate reaction to first seeing nude breasts on Game of Thrones breasts was, "Those boobs are kind of saggy. They look more like my boobs. Why would they put these boobs on t.v.?" That thought was then followed by, "Wait a minute. That's not sag, that's real. Those are REAL boobs! You almost never see those. Fascinating!" And just when I thought advertising and the media had no effect on me...

Then there's the infamous Kim Kardashian Break the Internet picture. My initial impression of that picture was, "That's what I want! How do I get one?" I have a great butt. It's big and wonderful and I love it. Even when I gain weight it still stays high 'n tight. It was the Jessica Rabbit waist to hip ratio that I was after. So I went back to the internets and started looking at Brazilian Butt Lift pictures: Before pic, "Yup, that's my waist and ass. I'm glad other people look like this!" After pic, "Yup, that's definitely better. Sad feelings." A few days later I had managed to drag said ass to Jazzercise. Since I hang out in the back when I'm late or out of shape (so, almost always,) I tend to compare and contrast the butts of other jazzerers. It occurred to me that although there are some incredibly toned and lean women in different variations in curvature at Jazzercise, not a single one of them has that shape.

I'm never going to get the body in that KK picture because that body does not exist in nature. Kim Kardashian doesn't even have that body. Turning my body into a caricature, albeit interesting, is not really what I want. Sure, my hair is 12 times longer and much straighter than it's supposed to be and I occasionally like to wear make up that makes me look like a mystical fairy from Pixieland, but at the end of the day I get to wash my face and settle back into pure, unadulterated Rachael. These things should be used as tools to enhance my awesome, not because I feel like I wouldn't be awesome without them. I just want to feel good about myself and by body and that work has to happen on the inside before it's going to be reflected out.

Good feelings,
Rachael

Zija: Does It Work? Pt 2

November 23, 2014

Zija Day 3 (Out of Zija samples. Waiting for shipment)
284lbs

I've used up the two sample packs of Super Mix that I was given so I didn't actually take any Zija supplements today, but subbed in my regular vitamin mix (Niacin, vitamin B complex, vitamin D) instead. I originally intended to post weekly updates of my Zija journey, but I had to write today because I just feel so damn good!

I've been hesitant to give Zija (Moringa Oleifera, specifically) credit for how I've been feeling, probably because it feels like it's too soon to start feeling better, it still sounds too good to be true to me and I'm resistant to the idea of multi-level marketing.

The Zija product line in general is marketed in the standard way of most nutritional/weight loss supplements. There is always a system: take this drink first thing in the morning, followed by this pill mid-morning, followed by this shake at lunch, followed by a different pill before your evening meal, followed by tea. *Yawn!* I've been through that process many times featuring many different brand names and I'm not interested in doing it again. I just want the straight-up nutrition that Moringa has to offer. In the middle of writing this blog, I thought, "well if Moringa is what I need, why don't I just go buy some Moringa? Genius!"

So I went on Amazon and when I saw the price for Moringa Powder, I just about cancelled my Zija order. Luckily, I read the reviews first. It appears that product quality is a bit of an issue when buying moringa powder. According to various reviews, the product quality varies greatly from brand to brand and when the quality goes wrong, it goes VERY wrong (gritty, sandy, taste of mold). Taste and quality aren't that important to me; however, there were two reviews prevented me from cancelling with Zija. They were the only two reviews from customers who had used Zija before and they were basically looking for the benefits of moringa at a lower price point. One gave a very high rating to the particular brand of moringa and the other a very low rating, but they both said the same thing: the brand did not produce moringa that was as potent as Zija's. Yes, Zija's products are over-priced, but at least they are over-priced AND they work better than other products on the market.

That last sentence pisses me off. It's just another example of how you have to be wealthy in order to afford products of an acceptable quality these days while products that are affordable to the general public are shit. 20 years ago, products that were affordable to the general public still lasted a considerable amount of time. Up until 3 years ago, my mother was still using a microwave that she bought in the late 80s! But that is another blog for another day...

Anyway, I had originally intended to dedicate this blog post to address some of the concerns about Zija that I had read in various forums last night, but I got distracted part way through by looking for Moringa on Amazon so we'll have to save that for another day. If you have tried Zija, please feel free to share your comments below. If you would like to try Zija, click here to order. I would love to hear your experiences.

Good Feelings!

Love,
Rachael

Zija: Does It Work?

November 21, 2014

284 lbs
Zija Day 1

Ugh. 284 lbs. I can't believe I'm here again, except that I go through this losing weight <---> gaining weight process so regularly that I really shouldn't be surprised. I just started taking Zija. I was given two packets to get me started by my sponsor. My first shipment will likely arrive early next week.

A little bit about how I feel now: I woke up about an hour ago and still feel rather hazy and sluggish. I'm hungry. I want bacon and eggs, but mostly bacon. I will likely make a cobb-type salad as a compromise, but who knows what I'll do once I get to the kitchen!

My body hurts, but that's not news. My body always hurts. Let's start from the bottom and work our way up shall we? My right foot is sore from over pronation. I'm sure the condition of my feet related to why my right knee generally hurts more than my left knee, but at the moment they are both sore. Probably arthritis, yay! My hips have been achy, but usually only after going to Jazzercise consistently for a few weeks, which I definitely have not done. I had a cat scan done for an unrelated issue and was told I have pre-arthritis in my hips (what a fun day that was!). My lower back sucks. It gets sore if I either sit or stand too long. I assume this is partly due to the fact that I carry most of my weight in my mid section. Finally my right elbow. It's been about two months since I was able to straighten it completely and there is ofcourse, the soreness factor. Oh also my knuckles can get a little sore and stiff my it doesn't effect my day-to-day activities so I don't notice it as much. I should mention that although I have described myself as a particularly decrepit 65 year old, I am 30.

Yesterday, I got together with woman that I had met at a fashion show and she told me about Zija. I was and am still quite skeptical. I have done SO MANY diets, cleanses, programs and pills over the years that my initial thought was basically a pre-emptive 'No thank you'. This is supposed to help me lose weight, give me back the energy and will to exercise, cure the incessant body pain that I have learned to live with since I was a teenager AND make me money?

 Go fuck yourself.

Then she showed me a picture of a friend of hers from a year ago followed by a picture of her today. My response: "Oh. My. God." This was a real person with real results, not just a photo of someone with a relaxed stomach in a too-small bathing suit followed by a picture of the same person sucking in her stomach in a bathing suit that fits properly (you can't fake face fat).

How much and where do I sign?

I have learned and watched a lot of documentaries ( I LOVE documentaries) on food and nutrition so I already had a good understanding of the fact the body has a natural ability to heal itself when it is operating under ideal conditions. The problem is that most of the foods that we eat in the Western World consist of chemicals, GMOs and other refined or unbalanced elements that impede our bodies' natural abilities. I have experienced the truth of this personally by way of diet and vitamins, but I still managed to slip back into old habits and re-toxify.

If putting some powder into water and drinking it everyday will give me back the desire to eat a fruit in the morning instead of bacon; to get off the couch and go for a walk; to be active, healthy and social without pain, I would have found everything that I have been looking for. Ever. The question remains: will Zija do what Zija promised it would?

We shall see. We shall see.

Homophobia: The New Racism

Look To The Cookie

Kraft recently released a rainbow cookie in support of Gay Pride and it had a few people up in arms about it. If you don't know http://www.theglobeandmail.com/life/the-hot-button/kraft-makes-waves-with-pride-rainbow-oreo/article4374318/?cmpid=rss1 ...now you know.


The following is what I think about the issue, (the issue being gay rights, not the diabetes-inducing cookie):

Homophobia: The New Racism

            Would a person of sound mind choose to face daily, unrelenting discrimination, the constant threat of being beaten to death, or severe emotional trauma due to ridicule by his or her peers? One need not have felt the brutal sting of racism and discrimination first hand to recognize the absurdity of willfully choosing such a life and yet, “46% of straight people believe that homosexuals choose to be gay or lesbian” (The Lesbian Almanac 101).  The ignorance of nearly half of the heterosexual population is but a fraction of the constituents that have contributed to the fact that homophobia is now the new racism. Regardless of the fact that society recognizes that similar conduct toward a group of people was wrong in the past, repeating said conduct toward a different group is somehow permissible. Homophobia is a relatively new development in the history of mankind; homosexuality, however, is not merely a modern concept. Because of humanity’s deficient capacity for empathy, authors such as Jeffrey Nickel must appeal to the reader’s sense of fear in order to create an avenue of understanding rather than appealing to the reader’s sense of reason.

            The strongest argument for the anti-homosexual movement is that homosexual conduct is unnatural and therefore perverse; however, there is ample scientific information that demonstrates same-sex behaviour in non-humans. In fact, “Homosexuality has been recorded in some 1,500 species so far, and been well documented in about a third of these cases” (“All Creatures” 92). In terms of the Bonobo Chimpanzee, for example, “50 per cent of all sexual interactions [occur] between same-sex individuals” (Macfarlane 52). More importantly, this same-sex behaviour occurs in creatures that lack the capacity for freewill. Words commonly used to describe homosexual behaviour such as evil, immoral and perverse are words used to define the nature of choices. Therefore, because this behaviour occurs in animals that are physically unable to make choices, the behaviour cannot logically be evil, immoral or perverse. According to the argument that homosexuality is a choice, it would appear that the discrimination that homosexuals experience as a result of that choice is not only permissible but also imminent.

            The attitude that those discriminated against are somehow deserving of discrimination is a common ideology concerning minority groups that have experienced overt racism throughout history. Indigenous people worldwide, for example, were seen as inferior to those that oppressed them because fallacious propaganda twisted their cultural differences into subhuman deviations. This Aryan-like systematic dehumanization of undesirables is a crucial component in the justification of atrocities; it is as though the oppressors are given by birthright the authority to mete and dole the punishment of unsavoury and uncontrollable characteristics. The general consensus in the aftermath of the some of the most terrible, racially motivated deeds is that Western society in general has experienced the warm glow of enlightenment and discovered that racism is wrong; however, discrimination against homosexuals is prevalent and the negative effects of this discrimination are downplayed in modern society and mainstream media.

            In the article, “Everybody’s Threatened by Homophobia,” Nickel clearly demonstrates the extent to which homophobic behaviour and the repercussions thereof occur in Western society. He describes a mock trial conducted by a teacher in response to a young boy who was deemed to have inappropriate feelings toward another boy. The trial “was held in the classroom, with all members of the class present [and] this boy had to ‘defend’ his feelings toward the other boy” (630). Regardless of the teacher’s feelings of homosexuality, her actions caused incalculable emotional damage to a mere child. Although Nickel’s comments on the stigma and dangers of merely being suspected as a homosexual are a fundamental step in understanding the plight of these forgotten citizens, articles such as this are habitually confined to homosexual media and thus a homosexual audience.

            Although part of solving the problem of homophobia, assuming that human beings in general are capable of recognizing equality in other human beings, is in identifying the scope of homophobic behaviour as Nickel has done; the remainder of the solution is in determining the nature and origins of homophobia. In order to further analyze the validity of the “anti-gay” argument, it is important to determine the time period at which homophobic behaviour became as popular as it is irrational. “The word homosexuality did not exist prior to 1869” (Mondimore 3), not because homosexuality did not exist, but because “in some cultures, same-sex eroticism was an expected part of the sexual experience of every member of society” (Mondimore 4), particularly in male ancient Greek culture. Even such well-respected scholars as Socrates and other ancient Greek philosophers are references of the normality of same-sex behaviour, notably in such works as Plato’s Symposium. “It was not until several hundred years after the birth of Christ [that] Christian theologians in Europe started to … develop concepts of what was moral and what was immoral … in sexual behaviours” (Mondimore 21). This development converted a formerly private act of love into an aberration subject to government regulation and severe punishment.

            Over time, government persecution morphed into vigilantism. At present, homosexuals face the constant threat of being tyrannized and lynched by members of society who feel the need to preserve their morality. One need only be suspected of being a homosexual to fear this cruelty. In “Everybody’s Threatened by Homophobia,” Nickel describes a married man, bludgeoned to death, because the teenagers who murdered him thought he was gay. Nickel states, “heterosexuals have actually died because of homophobia” (631). This is an unfortunate but necessary sentence that depicts the most hideous aspects of human nature, specifically that most individuals will do nothing to aid other individuals unless they feel that their own well-being is threatened.

            Homophobia is as irrational and atrocious as racism, yet rampant discrimination against gays is still customary even though it is proven that same-sex behaviour occurs in nature. The fact that bigotry such as homophobia develops at a greater rate than essential attributes such as compassion is deplorable and undeniable. The ultimate hypocrisy of human nature is that prejudice and injustice exist because of mankind’s need to persecute and feel superior to other human beings as a result of a skewed sense of civility. In fact, it is not the abused but the abusers in historical and modern society that embody the epitome of intellectual primitivism.

Works Cited

“All Creatures Great and Small”. The Economist 381.8501 (2006) : 92.

The Lesbian Almanac. New York: Berkley Books, 1996.

MacFarlane, Geof and Kevin Markwell. “Homosexuals, Naturally”. Nature Australia 27.12 (2004) ; 52-59.

Mondimore, Francis Mark. A Natural History of Homosexuality. Maryland: The Johns Hopkins University Press, 1996.

Nickel, Jeffrey. “Everybody’s Threatened by Homophobia”. Reasoning and Writing Well: A Rhetoric, Research Guide, Reader and Handbook. Canada: McGraw-Hill Ryerson Limited, 2006. 629-632.

The Beauty Myth: A Representational Examination

Imagine a boisterous woman, burning her bra, brandishing a banner in protest and shooting herself in the foot. That is the image of the stereotypical feminist, an image that is not a far cry from Naomi Wolf’s article entitled “The Beauty Myth.” Wolf claims that the persistent pressures on women to look like the average, waif-like runway model arose because “an ideology that makes women feel ‘worth less’ was urgently needed to counteract the way feminism had begun to make [women] feel worth more” (625). The female obsession with achieving unattainable standards of beauty is rather a function of vanity than of oppression. It may appear that “The Beauty Myth” only applies to women, but the author conveniently omits the societal pressures imposed on men to achieve equally unattainable standards. Wolf’s article only serves to take the feminist movement in the wrong direction. It is counter-productive to rebel against social norms rather than to use them to one’s advantage.

            In no way is it the purpose of this paper to undermine the continuing successes and struggles in terms of rights and equality that women face. It is sad, yet undeniable that in recent years “consumer spending doubled, pornography became the main media category … and thirty-three thousand American women told researchers that they would rather lose ten to fifteen pounds than achieve any other goal” (619). Wolf presents a plethora of information to support the fact that feminism has had to change in order to allow for a female increase in material wealth; however, the causes of this change are misidentified. Women do not strive to achieve unattainable standards of beauty because they are oppressed by some unseen, testosterone-driven force. The actions of modern women are fueled by selfishness, vanity, and excess in accordance with the values of Western society. This obsession is an epidemic that plagues all people fortunate enough to live in the first world and particularly in North America.

            “Beauty and the Geek: the Great Social Experiment” is a television show that is (or  rather, was, at the time that I wrote this paper) as popular as it is entertaining. The male contestants in the show are extremely intelligent, but unattractive and devoid of any social skills while the female contestants are gorgeous, vapid and in some cases, have added to and/or subtracted from their original body parts.  This show depicts a far more representational view of Western culture and values than does Wolf’s article, “The Beauty Myth,” by demonstrating the desirable and undesirable characteristics in both men and women. The recent rise in male eating disorders as well as the male self-obsessed, metro-sexual movement (seems so long ago now!) clearly demonstrates the magnitude of the pressures on men to present themselves in a way that is aesthetically pleasing. Wolf negates her argument by implying that “The Beauty Myth” applies solely to women because her one-sided view reinforces the divide between men and women.

            It is not only futile to wage a war against a social norm such as “The Beauty Myth” from an entirely female perspective, but to do so demonstrates naivety and folly.  In fact, one must take into account the values of a particular society at a particular period from a perspective that is representational to that society in order to gain social advancement. The diligent feminist, knowledgeable about the workings and intricacies of modern society, would take what she knows about beauty and culture and use it to benefit her, other females and society as a whole. Oprah Winfrey, for example, is not one to let herself be victimized by “The Beauty Myth”; she presents herself well, both aesthetically and morally, and is considered one of the most successful and wealthy people in the world. Oprah is not merely an example of a successful, socially responsible, attractive woman by her indirect accomplishments; she actively verifies herself as a role model for both men and women by promoting values of physical, mental and social health to her viewers. Because Oprah does not succumb to “self-hatred, physical obsessions, terror of aging, and dread of lost control” (619) while encouraging her viewers to do the same, she exemplifies the characteristics of a scrupulous feminist.

            “The Beauty Myth” is not “a political weapon against women’s advancement” (619); it represents the tendency of those in Western society to hold superficial values as being of the utmost importance. Ignoring the fact that “The Beauty Myth” applies to both men and women detracts from the root of the problem thus impeding social progress. It would be more beneficial and productive to work with society as it is rather than against it. Women must concentrate their efforts on being part of the solution rather than contributing to the problem.

Works Cited

Wolf, Naomi. “The Beauty Myth”. Reasoning and Writing Well: A Rhetoric, Research Guide, Reader and Handbook. Canada: McGraw-Hill Ryerson Limited, 2006. 618-626.