Better Boobs and Body ... Dysmorphia

Dear My Breasts,

Be better.

Love,
Rachael

I want better boobs. I didn't say bigger boobs because my boobs are a good size, but with all the weight I've gained and lost and gained (and am about to lose), they are saggy as hell. I call them National Geographic boobs. I may be mixed, but my tits are straight out of the mother land. My butt too, but we'll get to that later...

I was looking at mastoplexy (breast lift) before and after pictures on the internet a few weeks ago. It went a little something like this: Before pic, "Yup, that's my boobs. I'm glad other people look like this!" After pic, "Yup, that's definitely better. Sad feelings." Then I signed up for the realself.com newsletter.  I don't really know why. The domain name in itself is an oxymoron. I also hate needles, doctors, hospitals, Western Medicine and pain of any kind. Maybe they caught me on a day when I was feeling particularly dysmorphic.

I hate to admit it, but I think I may have fallen prey to the Western body image trap. That's not to suggest that it's inappropriate to have areas of my body that I want to improve. The issue is that some of the improvements that I want may be based on fiction. For example, my immediate reaction to first seeing nude breasts on Game of Thrones breasts was, "Those boobs are kind of saggy. They look more like my boobs. Why would they put these boobs on t.v.?" That thought was then followed by, "Wait a minute. That's not sag, that's real. Those are REAL boobs! You almost never see those. Fascinating!" And just when I thought advertising and the media had no effect on me...

Then there's the infamous Kim Kardashian Break the Internet picture. My initial impression of that picture was, "That's what I want! How do I get one?" I have a great butt. It's big and wonderful and I love it. Even when I gain weight it still stays high 'n tight. It was the Jessica Rabbit waist to hip ratio that I was after. So I went back to the internets and started looking at Brazilian Butt Lift pictures: Before pic, "Yup, that's my waist and ass. I'm glad other people look like this!" After pic, "Yup, that's definitely better. Sad feelings." A few days later I had managed to drag said ass to Jazzercise. Since I hang out in the back when I'm late or out of shape (so, almost always,) I tend to compare and contrast the butts of other jazzerers. It occurred to me that although there are some incredibly toned and lean women in different variations in curvature at Jazzercise, not a single one of them has that shape.

I'm never going to get the body in that KK picture because that body does not exist in nature. Kim Kardashian doesn't even have that body. Turning my body into a caricature, albeit interesting, is not really what I want. Sure, my hair is 12 times longer and much straighter than it's supposed to be and I occasionally like to wear make up that makes me look like a mystical fairy from Pixieland, but at the end of the day I get to wash my face and settle back into pure, unadulterated Rachael. These things should be used as tools to enhance my awesome, not because I feel like I wouldn't be awesome without them. I just want to feel good about myself and by body and that work has to happen on the inside before it's going to be reflected out.

Good feelings,
Rachael